Valentine’s Day: Gift-Giving and Game-Playing
February 7, 2011 at 10:00 am | Posted in Shoes | 8 CommentsBy Dr. Paula Bloom
I know the following statement may fall into the “duh” category but here goes:
You are more likely to get what you want if you actually ask for it.
I know, shocking, right? As Valentine’s Day approaches I’m reminded of all the game-playing involved with gift-giving in romantic relationships. Will he figure out what I want? Will he get it right this time? I’ll focus on women here because my experience is that, in general, men don’t worry as much about what gifts mean. Can you imagine hearing: “She got me a pair of size large silk boxers — does that mean she thinks my butt is too big?” “A golf bag, really? She must not love me if she bought me such a practical gift. I really wanted something else. You never listen to me.”
As I get older the commercialized holidays seem less and less important. Correction. I like to present the image that they don’t matter. Me, a mature woman who is comfortable with who she is doesn’t need validation on this arbitrary day defined by jewelry stores and greeting card companies. (Yeah, right.)
Why is Valentine’s Day so important to us? Is it really about the gift or is about the relationship? You know how it goes. He asks, “What do you want for your birthday?” You answer, “Nothing, don’t worry.” And then, he gives you what you said you wanted — NOTHING. This is not a hypothetical. This happened with my husband and me. Can you believe he took me at my word? The truth is I am grateful to be with a man who forces me to be honest and clear about what I want. I often advise female clients that a good rule for relationships is: I don’t take hints, (and neither does he). I try to practice what I preach. (Let’s see how this February 14th goes.)
How is it that we expect people to read our minds. Why do we subject ourselves year in and year out to this game? Why do gifts represent so much, and trigger so many emotions? Why do we seem to feel ashamed for being disappointed? What’s wrong with wanting something? Why do we deny that we wanted something and then act irritable and passive aggressive when we don’t get it? “What’s wrong, honey?” “Nothing,” you answer with disdain while thinking, “If I have to tell you then we have bigger problems.”
So think about what you want. Ask for it. Be prepared to not get it (from him). And if you still want it, get it yourself. If this happens to you year in and year out, remember: The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. Why are you expecting that this year will be any different. Nothing changes if NOTHING changes.
I know this blog post asks more questions than it answers. I’d love to hear YOUR answers to the questions in the comment section!
The Shoe Shrink enjoying flowers (she bought for herself) and her FitFlop Womens Happy Gogh Clogs in red patent leather.
8 Comments
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It sure is nice to know I’m not the only one, who feels the same way on Valentines Day! And I love your new clogs !
Comment by Karen Fischl— February 9, 2011 #
Maybe I should ask for those red clogs… really like clogs.
Comment by Lou— February 9, 2011 #
Love your blog! I’ve always been a pretty anti-Valentine’s Day kinda gal, which may be my way of protecting myself since I rarely have a Valentine! To that end, I convinced one of my clients to host a “Worst Gift Ever” contest on Facebook, gives woman an opportunity to air their frustrations while giving them an opportunity to win something they REALLY want. You should enter it! http://www.facebook.com/Portero
Comment by Michelle— February 9, 2011 #
Thanks for your comment Michelle! There is so much power in connecting with other people who relate to where we are at. It takes a village to get through life and having a sense of humor makes it so much more fun!
Paula
Comment by the "Shoe Shrink" at FootSmart— February 10, 2011 #
I see you hve read Deborah Tannen’s books, “That’s Not What I Meant” and “You Just Don’t Understand”. Should be mandatory reading for every
female specially those in the workforce. So, ask away ladies you never know what you’ll get – might even be what you asked for. Love the color red.
Comment by Judith— February 10, 2011 #
Hi Judith,
I am a HUGE fan of Deborah Tannen’s writings. It is so powerful when we recognize that we are all equal even when we are very different. Communication is a fascinating thing. Thanks for taking the time to comment!
Paula
Comment by the "Shoe Shrink" at FootSmart— February 10, 2011 #
It only makes sense that if you want someone to give you something that you tell them what it is you want them to give you! And what are gifts for anyway? Are they supposed to be surprises – which I love – or the fulfillment of a shopping list? I guess we expect the people who are supposed to love us the most to know us so deeply and how we think and feel that they will just KNOW what we want. What will make us happy.
And who is love for anyway? Is it for the one who loves? Or for the person who is loved. And how do they make you feel loved? Surely there are other ways – more important ways – to be made to feel that love than just how deep his pockets are or how smart he is at figuring out what will make you happy. How do you make him understand ?
Comment by Molly— February 10, 2011 #
Love all your questions, Molly! As far as the last one goes:”How do you make him understand ?”, I’d say that the word “make” is where we need to evaluate. I’ve learned that I can’t make anyone “get it” I can just do my best to try to understand others myself. Sometimes, though, I have to accept that he’ll never “get it” and that it doesn’t mean that he doesn’t care. I have also found that having good women friends who do “get it” helps me accept those who don’t!
Best,
Paula
Comment by the "Shoe Shrink" at FootSmart— February 21, 2011 #