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In Honor of Hilda

By Dr. Paula Bloom

My husband’s 97-year-old grandmother passed away last week. We flew up to the funeral for the day. I’m so glad we decided to bring our kids. Funerals are difficult and sad but, honestly, what better first funeral for a 7- and 9-year-old to attend? Their great-grandmother lived a long, healthy life. She had diabetes for many years but managed it very well. She was sharp as a tack. We last saw her in July; it was wonderful for them to see that aging does not have to mean suffering.

My husband’s grandmother was a relatively quiet woman. She was a behind the scenes type person. During the funeral, her nieces and nephews shared about how her home was the place that everyone felt at home. She was a wonderful cook. If you needed a new dress, she would take you to the fabric store, pick a pattern, and, by the end of the day, you’d have your dress. She was more about actions than words.

As I sat and listened to stories of her life, I was struck by all the different ways that people show love. A wonderful book on the subject is The 5 Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman. The 5 “languages” he identifies (taken from http://www.5lovelanguages.com) are:

• Words of Affirmation

  Actions don’t always speak louder than words. If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words, “I love you,” are important—hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward. Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten.

• Quality Time

  In the vernacular of Quality Time, nothing says, “I love you,” like full, undivided attention. Being there for this type of person is critical, but really being there—with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby—makes your significant other feel truly special and loved. Distractions, postponed dates, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful.

• Receiving Gifts

  Don’t mistake this love language for materialism; the receiver of gifts thrives on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift. If you speak this language, the perfect gift or gesture shows that you are known, you are cared for, and you are prized above whatever was sacrificed to bring the gift to you. A missed birthday, anniversary, or a hasty, thoughtless gift would be disastrous—so would the absence of everyday gestures.

• Acts of Service

  Can vacuuming the floors really be an expression of love? Absolutely! Anything you do to ease the burden of responsibilities weighing on an “Acts of Service” person will speak volumes. The words he or she most want to hear: “Let me do that for you.” Laziness, broken commitments, and making more work for them tell speakers of this language their feelings don’t matter.

Related articles

• Remembering My Dad This Spring  (shoeshrink.com)